every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
