Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
