I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
