OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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