I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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