Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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