Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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