I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
