No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
