you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
