Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't deserve a penis
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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