Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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