My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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