Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
