she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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