I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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