Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
