A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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