I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
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