even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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