im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
