Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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