My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
no you cant smoke seaweed
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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