I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
