So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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