I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
