Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
