fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
