____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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