My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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