In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
3 2 1 whiskey
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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