I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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