You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Randomize
