You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
