and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
