everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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