Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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