We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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