You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
