boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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