so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
