I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
no, he came in my armpit
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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