im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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