i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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