What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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