There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
