JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
