if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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