I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
