My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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