i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
