He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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