So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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