I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
