the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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