Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
