I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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